my life is a shambles.

well, that's a bit of an exaggeration, to be honest...but it certainly feels like shambles.

1. I have no job.

This isn't strictly true, as I have been working quite diligently with an Army Recruiter in order to join the military after graduation. Which isn't exactly what I had planned to do after college, but Uncle Sam is hiring and you have to do some really dastardly deeds to get fired by him. Unfortunately, my decision to join up has been wavering lately as all the jobs that I applied to before coming to this point are now all of a sudden requesting interviews. But the military pays better. I'm in a quandary and I don't really know what I'm doing. I honestly don't mind the idea of joining the Army...except for a couple of reasons:

A) I really don't think that I should be trusted with a gun. I am not exactly the most patient person ever and I have a bad habit of seeking retribution. Not that I would ever go after anyone with a gun...I'm just saying that should I get shot in the ass during a training exercise, whoever was supposed to have my back might wake up missing a toe. (jk jk...but I would curse them, their mother, and whoever dropped them on their head as an infant)

B) I HATE RUNNING. Anyone who spent any amount of time in my middle and high school gym classes can attest to this. I can be good at running only under two circumstances: I'm being chased or somebody owes me money.

Anyway, I'm just not sure what I should do about this job thing. The military would take really good care of me and since I'm female and I'd be going in as a commissioned officer, the likelihood of me being shipped overseas would be pretty low. Especially since I'm trying to go into their law division. And they would pay back my federal school loans. Plus health care + benefits, housing, food, etc. On the flip side, I have an interview in NYC as a paralegal. Which would be really good experience, I'd get to stay on the East Coast (I'm not sure if that's a plus or a minus...I detest the cold but I love the culture), and I wouldn't have to run except to catch the MTA. On the downside, paralegals (especially in NYC) get paid jack squat. I'm sitting pretty on around 60K in debt, I don't have an apartment (or money to get one) or a car. So do I go for the more difficult job that will give me more benefits or go a civilian route that is more in line with what I thought would be my future and struggle along the way?

2. My relationship with my family would best be described as "strained".

I haven't spoken to my mother since New Year's because there was a huge fight and I can't forgive her for some of the things that she did and said. Suffice to say that I won't be returning "home" for a very long time.

3. Due to the aforementioned and other reasons, my relationship with God has suffered.

I spend a lot of time looking up and saying "What the fuck, Jesus?". I have spent so much time angry with God for the way that my life has turned out (completely differently than I had hoped and prayed for), that I've actually gotten to the point where I feel estranged from Him. Which isn't okay. But I'm working on it and I suppose that it'll get better eventually.

4. I stopped going to church.

Partially because of #3, and partially because I still feel physically ill whenever I see my ex and his girlfriend. His girlfriend who I am sure only started attending because she A) wanted to keep an eye on him and B) wanted to make my life miserable. Actually, I only think that A is the real case because she still goes to her church (which meets at a different time than ours). Though the dirty looks I keep getting in various locations that I run into her at (and by run into, I mean she deliberately attends knowing that I either work there or have some tie to the place and would therefore be there on the regular) are what inspired B.

5. My ex's very existence drives me insane.

A year and a half later? Nope. Still in love with him. Still have to see him around campus. Still getting dirty looks from his girlfriend. And still getting pitying looks from my friends who know that I'm still in love with him. Which is damn near everybody that knows me. Because I have no poker face and either look devastated or elated when he walks into a room. I really need to develop a poker face. Or he needs to fall off the face of the earth. Either one works.


I know my life could be much worse, but FML. Seriously.

A lot of people have things that make them very uncomfortable. A recent (although certainly not official) poll of a party I was recently at found that most women cringe at the words "moist" and "panties". I shudder at both. Anything vaguely resembling an insect will send me cringing, if not screaming, from the room. I loathe wet socks, dirty kitchens and (especially) bathrooms, and people with poor dental hygiene.

Also on the list of things cringe-worthy: homeless people, those ASPCA commercials that Sarah MacLaughlin does, Salvation Army bell-ringers, infomercials about poverty and world hunger, specials on child soldiers and prostitutes. Those things deserve their own category: I hate feeling guilty about my lack of personal power to change the things that are wrong in the world. I'm sorry, homeless people, the ASPCA, and the Salvation Army - I'm a college kid who doesn't have a trust fund. I can barely afford to feed myself. I owe the bank more money than I make about 95% of the time. And my dorm doesn't allow pets. Because I probably would bankrupt myself further adopting and fostering pets if I was allowed to have them. Stop making me cry and feel guilty every time I see you. It's just not fair. Child soldiers and child prostitutes: I'd save you all one by one if I could. I have enough personal demons myself to understand your plight, but there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do with no money and no way to get to where you are.

But the number one thing that makes my skin crawl, makes my muscles tense and prepares that "flight or fight" response?

Being touched.

I don't like being touched. At all. Unless I have given you express permission to do so or I initiate contact, I do not want to be touched by you or anyone else. I go out of my way to avoid brushing against people as I walk. When I can't avoid it, a shudder rolls down my spine and I feel the urge to scratch or scrape at the point of contact as if there's something there that is foreign to my body. Often, I wait until after someone has hugged me hello or shaken my hand has turned and hurriedly wipe the point(s) of contact with my own hands. I don't even like it when my family touches me. It makes the bile rise in the back of my throat and I have to force myself to return the gesture.

I especially hate being kissed by anyone other than whoever I'm dating at the time. God, how it makes my skin crawl. Kisses on the cheek, on the forehead? Don't do it. Please, don't do it. Air kisses are just fine. Just no bodily contact.

What made me think of this post was going to the movies tonight with a guy friend. One who was far too touchy-feely for my tastes. Hug upon entry of the car, trying to put his arm around me as we drove, grabbing at body parts of mine during the movie, trying to smooth his hand over my hair and then "checking my temperature" when I said something he found to not be in line with my character. I snapped at him to stop when he got to touching my face...my skin is still crawling and this was almost 12 hours ago. I've also been cringing because my family especially has been very huggy and kissy since I haven't been home since October and skipped Thanksgiving this year.

What a shame that the only affection that I can bear comes from my furry four-legged relatives - my two pet dogs.


Is there anything that makes you cringe?

i'm just so tired of fighting.

fighting with whom, you may ask? my ex-boyfriend/current best friend. he is quickly becoming the bane of my existence. well, actually that's an exaggeration. but if he doesn't get it together and realize that i'm right, i'm going to go hong kong fuey on his ass.

i betrayed his trust, according to him. i can't really give details because THAT would really be betraying his trust, but suffice to say, i told a person very close to me about something that involved him and now he's mad at me (correction: he's not speaking to me). first of all, this situation actually did involve me, so it's not like i was idly gossiping. i was seeking advice about the situation because thinking about it all the time with no one to bounce ideas off of was eating me alive. this friend is a mutual acquaintance whom i trust implicitly and would never judge or tell anyone else, so it's not like the secret was going to go anywhere. now, i can understand why he's upset. really, i can.

*I* know that it's not just the betrayal of trust...it's because this information puts him at a distinct disadvantage as far as how he is viewed by my friend. which doesn't matter because she absolutely adores him anyway. i only told because i'm worried about him. i'm worried sick about him.

ever since he broke up with me, he's changed. drastically. and not in a good way. i'm not naive enough to expect him to stay exactly the same, but the changes he's undergone are so intrinsically WRONG for him that it scares me and everyone that is close to him. which i can probably count on one hand. which is another problem entirely. he's basically pushed everyone away. including his family, which is a tragedy in and of itself. his family is like the cosby's. a very large, loving, close family where everyone looks out for one another. he and his mother have a great relationship, as do he and his dad. his 7 (soon to be 8) siblings are all well behaved and sweet, conscientious kids. i would KILL to have a family like his and it kills ME to see him throw away all that for absolutely nothing. he claims that they're being too involved in his life. i disagree. they're trying to make his trife ass accountable to someone since his moral compass clearly stopped facing north a very long time ago.

my ex was the sweetest, nicest, most caring and humble young man i'd ever had the pleasure of knowing. this new person? he's an arrogant, vain, condescending, bitter, angry asshole about 95% of the time. he used to be quite religious, very in touch with God. but now? *sigh* i highly doubt him and the JC are on good terms at this point and quite frankly, i fear for his soul.

i'm kind of rambling right now with no real aim or purpose, but i just really really need to vent. my best friend, the love of my life, is absolutely RUINING his life and i can't stand it. i don't presume to know what's best for him, of course, because we only know people about as well as they let us know them and i know that he keeps a lot of things close to his vest, but i KNOW, unequivocally, that he is ruining his life with his choices. and although i tell him so, he just redirects and never actually does anything about it. i'm so frustrated and i could just wring his neck.


*sigh*

just pray for him, ok? i know none of you know him, but pray that he finds his way.

...and that i don't kill him in his sleep because he's DRIVING ME FREAKING NUTS.





actually, pray for me too. because i might actually put him out of his misery if he keeps on this way.